For The Ladies
June 18, 2015
Milk Bar
San Francisco, CA


An Evening For The Ladies…the Band

            Under the guise of solemnity I was silent and staring, the trees of Golden Gate Park taking on the grey hew of twilight. (Side note: I denounce all vampiric young adult novels that have, at least for the time being destroyed any casual use of the word ‘twilight’. Anyway,) Truth be told I was humbly and naturally absent of mind. Bored. It was Candice’s TV night so I bowed out respectfully. I decided to go skateboarding because that’s just a natural instinct. However, upon arriving at Waller, I remembered that Thursday nights is when they do Off The Grid. Henceforth the skatepark was overrun with food trucks. Well, most of it was; so it wasn’t a complete loss. I skated what remained on the back end of the park and had a moderately non-boring time, though my heart was elsewhere. Finally I took a seat. There I rested on the re-purposed Muni bench, my skateboard tranquil beneath my feet. I looked off into the trees and allowed the line of my mind to remain flat. Finally I decided there was nothing left to see here. I’d take my time getting home, maybe skate some driveway bumps near the Panhandle for a spell, then hang out with Candice while she watched Dance Moms. It wouldn’t be so bad; anyway that’s why they invented weed right?

I skated through the McDonald’s parking lot, ignoring the riff-raff’s various offers, and crossed Haight. Walking up the incline I noticed a sandwich board out front of Milk Bar. For the Ladies it read, Tonight! Now, I’m a huge proponent of Women’s Rights, so I thought I’d step inside and see what exactly was being offered The Ladies. I was immediately drawn: there was smooth Jazz playing and as my eyes adjusted to the light afforded, I saw that it was live. Played by a threesome of unisex folks wearing masks and interesting garb. Drum, Bass and Guitar, all being quite debonair for people wearing crazy-ass costumes. There was also a man standing in front of the mic, who I assumed was some sort of speaker, lending a voice to the movement of women. I grabbed a beer and got comfortable. Then the facts began to trickle down. It wasn’t actually a Women’s Rights event. It was a comedy show, and For The Ladies was the name of the band that would be playing after said comedy. As much as I care for the collective girls of this world, I thought this would be a touch more entertaining, especially since I didn’t even have a bra to burn.



This sentiment proved to be arguable. I’m not sure how much experience you’ve had with amateur Stand-Up Comedy, but it often resembles Chinese Water Torture. I have nothing but respect for the folks who put themselves out for such a thing. Stand-Up Comedy is one of the most difficult forms of entertainment that exists, but this still doesn’t make it any more enjoyable to watch. Thankfully the sets were only about ten minutes long and a few of the comics were only mildly torturous, so I can’t say it was a total bust. Besides, I had a couple beers and it turns out that alcohol helps comedians much the same way it can help a lonely heart: God help me, I started laughing.

Finally the comedy was over and it was time for the band. The chairs were removed and For the Ladies took the stage. A guitar, a bass, a drummer and…a saxophone? Fuck! The one thing I feel can completely remove any shred of quality from a song is a goddamn saxophone solo. I prayed this guy would keep his ego to a minimum. They began to play and I forgot the fart-pipe was even there, he did such a good job of remaining un-obnoxious.


The band really got things moving too, people were dancing like it was going out of style -even more so than it already is in San Francisco.


They had some Class-A lyrics that certainly fit with the earlier merriment, and had me laughing…more than said merriment.

Part way through their set a gent by the name of Beansy took the stage and became a strip show/variety act for the remainder.


By the time a few songs were done he was clad merely in Speedo, blowing kisses and such. Hmm, I thought. I guess they really are for the ladies. Good for them.


The ladies loved ol’ Beansie too. They started shoving bills in his drawers so ravenously it reminded me of trying to put water back inside a hose.


At one point For the Ladies said they were going to play a slow-dance song and got all the boys on one side of the room and the girls on the other. The music began and I was landslid beyond my comfort zone, to a time when I was even more terrified of girls than I am today, back to an era that is evil enough to include a Middle School Dance. Yes, it was terrifying.


And just like when I was in Middle School, I retreated to the refreshments and pretended I actually was somebody.

After a few more songs the band finished their set and I was officially glad I chose this over Dance Moms. Next time For the Ladies is playing though I’m bringing Candice along. She can be my ringer for when they make us chose dance partners. Oh the perks of married life. Does that make me sexist?


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